Why ‘Finding Yourself’ Might Be the Dumbest Goal You Have

Hey there,

We’ve been told our whole lives to go “find ourselves.”

But what if there’s nothing to find? What if you’re not lost, you’re just not finished yet?

We talk about “finding ourselves” like we misplaced our identity in a couch cushion somewhere.

Like it’s out there waiting, and all we have to do is travel enough, journal enough, and the universe will lean over and whisper:

“Ah, yes… this is who you are.”

But identity isn’t revealed. It’s assembled.

Slowly, through the choices you make and the ones you return to.

For a long time, I believed I needed the perfect breakthrough.

The perfect morning routine. The perfect career move. The perfect moment where everything would make sense.

Like identity was something unlocked, not built.

But the more life I live, the more I realize: You don’t “find yourself”.

You become yourself. One tiny action at a time.

We’ve been raised to treat the self like a destination.

Study abroad, move to a new city, take a silent retreat with a $84 ethical journaling notebook.

Self-reflection has its place, but searching for identity like it’s a hidden object keeps you from actually living.

It turns life into a scavenger hunt where nothing ever feels complete enough.

Identity isn’t a treasure map. It’s a timeline.

Before my daughter was born, I thought I knew who I was:

Entrepreneur. Husband. Athlete. Minimalist. Guy who had things mostly figured out.

Then one night, I was holding her while she slept.

No music, no noise. Just the hum of the white noise machine.

And something shifted. Not dramatically or symbolically.

Just a quiet reorganization of priorities.

My identity didn’t change all at once, it rearranged.

Some days, I am mostly Dad, stepping on toys and reading the same book four times like it’s new every time.

Some days, I am Husband, supporting Mel when she’s overwhelmed and reminding myself not to disappear into my own ambition.

Some days, I am a creator, leader, athlete, son, friend.

Identity isn’t a single answer. It’s a rotation.

Trying to define yourself as one thing is like trying to describe a song with only one note.

You don’t become a father because you have a child. You become a father by showing up when you’re exhausted.

Identity is not a label, it’s a behavior.

You demonstrate who you are through action, not thoughts.

And psychology backs this up: identity forms through action and interaction, not introspection alone.

Reflection helps, but reflection without action becomes rumination.

Rumination convinces you clarity is one more thought away.

This is why so many people feel lost.

They’re trying to think their way into identity, but identity happens in motion.

We’ve turned self-discovery into a consumer product.

“Find your passion…”

“Unlock your purpose…”

“Become your highest self.”

But identity isn’t uncovered.

It evolves with your responsibilities, relationships, and environment.

Who you were at 18 is not who you are now.

Who you were before heartbreak isn’t who you are after it.

Who you were before becoming a parent isn’t who you are with a child in your arms at 2 AM.

Identity isn’t a fixed noun. It’s a verb.

If you feel like you haven’t found yourself yet, it may simply mean you are still becoming someone new.

Which is exactly what’s supposed to happen.

Instead of asking “Who am I?”, ask, “Who am I becoming through the choices I make today?”

Everything you do is a vote for the person you are becoming…

If you consistently help others, you become helpful.

If you consistently train, you become disciplined.

If you consistently avoid discomfort, you become fragile.

If you consistently blame others, you become powerless.

Here are a few things that helped me:

1. Choose one identity for today, not forever.
   You don’t need to define your whole life. Just decide who you want to show up as right now.

2. Do the action before you claim the identity.
   Don’t say, “I’m trying to be a better listener.” Put your phone away. Ask a follow-up question. Behavior leads, identity follows.

3. Stop hunting clarity.
   Clarity accumulates through repetition. You understand by doing.

4. Allow yourself to change.
   You are allowed to update who you are. Growth isn’t inconsistency. It’s evidence you’re paying attention.

You don’t need to find yourself. Finding yourself is passive.

You build yourself.

Through the way you speak to the people you love. Through the attention you give to the moment you’re in.

Through the courage to choose what matters today, and the humility to let it change again tomorrow.

You don’t find yourself. You become yourself.

One day at a time. One choice at a time.

And if you forget?

That’s fine.

You get another chance tomorrow.

– Scott

P.S. Get more stuff from me (so my wife doesn’t make me go back to a “real” job):

• My podcast

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