Why We Suck at Listening

Hey there,

We all think we’re good listeners.

We nod, smile, and say “yeah, totally.”

But half the time, we’re not listening. We’re just waiting for our turn to talk.

If you’ve ever been in a conversation where someone’s sharing something deeply personal and your brain goes, “Oh! That reminds me of me,” congratulations, you’re part of the club.

The truth is, we suck at listening.

And it’s not just you. It’s all of us.

A few months ago, I was talking with my wife, Mel.

She was saying something important (I don’t even remember what).

Because halfway through, I zoned out.

Honestly, I was probably thinking about an email I hadn’t answered or whether I’d already made my second cup of coffee.

Then I noticed she’d stopped talking.

And was giving me that look.

So, naturally, I panicked and said the last three words she’d said: “…so that’s interesting.”

It wasn’t interesting. Not even close.

That moment hit me: how often do I do this?

Not just with her, but with everyone.

I call it performative listening.

You’re technically there, but mentally somewhere else, crafting your response, solving a problem, or planning dinner.

We’re not listening to understand. We’re listening to reply.

And it’s not totally our fault.

We live in a world that rewards talking, not listening.

Studies show we spend about 55% of our communication time listening, but remember only 17–25% of what we hear right after.

An hour later, that drops to around 20%.

Our brains can process up to 3,000 words per minute, but people speak around 125.

So while someone’s talking, our minds are sprinting laps around them, thinking about dinner, awkward emails, or the fact that we’re supposed to be listening but aren’t.

Psychologist Michael Nichols once said, “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

When I first read that, I felt personally attacked.

The louder you are, the more the algorithm likes you.

We have platforms for every thought, but none that reward silence, curiosity, or presence.

Even in real life, we treat listening like a waiting room for our next sentence.

We’re conditioned for it.

From childhood, we’re told to “raise your hand”, not “reflect on what someone just said”.

We confuse talking more with understanding more.

And because only 7% of meaning comes from words, the rest from tone and body language, digital life makes it worse.

When most conversations happen through screens, emojis, and Slack messages, it’s no wonder we misinterpret each other.

When we stop listening, we stop learning.

We lose empathy, patience, and connection, the things that make conversations meaningful.

Think about it: when was the last time you felt truly heard? Someone fully present, not scrolling, not waiting to speak, just there.

It’s rare.

And this is because we can’t even quiet our own thoughts long enough to listen.

And the world doesn’t make it easy.

From buzzing watches to Slack pings, it’s never been easier to be everywhere except where you are.

The modern world has turned multitasking into an Olympic sport, and somehow, everyone’s going for gold.

When I realized how bad I was at listening, I started paying attention, ironically enough.

So I ran a few small experiments:

1. Pause before responding.
   Wait two seconds before replying. It shows you’re thinking, not performing.

2. Stop multitasking.
   You can’t half-listen while checking your phone. You’re not multitasking; you’re just half-present in two places.

3. Ask one question before replying.
   Instead of matching their story, ask something that deepens it. It shifts focus from “me” to “you.”

4. Listen with your body.
   Your posture and eyes communicate more than your words. The best listeners absorb; they don’t interrupt.

Hosting my podcast forced me to practice this.

When you’re interviewing someone like Chris Voss, every word counts. If your mind wanders, you miss it.

That’s when I realized: good listening isn’t passive. It’s curiosity.

It’s saying, “Right now, you have my full attention.”

It’s not easy. Silence makes us uncomfortable.

We rush to fill it with opinions, thoughts, clever stories.

But in that pause, that quiet, connection actually happens.

When someone feels heard, they open up more. They trust more.

And ironically, that’s when you’re finally heard too.

Listening isn’t about collecting words.

It’s about collecting understanding.

We’re scared to stop talking long enough to hear, but that’s where the real learning happens.

Around 85% of what we learn in life comes from listening.

So the less we do it, the more we miss, not just about others, but about ourselves.

The moments that changed me most weren’t the ones where I spoke, but where I shut up and actually listened.

Because sometimes, silence says everything you’ve been trying to explain.

So this week, try saying a little less and listening a little more.

You don’t need to fix, reply, or add value. You just need to be there.

Because sometimes, the best thing you can say is nothing at all.

– Scott

P.S. Get more stuff from me (so my wife doesn’t make me go back to a “real” job):

• My podcast

• YouTube

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